booXthatleaveamarkMIBF2024 Entry

The very reason why I find old preloved books so alluring and irresistible to buy is not just because they are way cheaper but rather, they surprise you in so many ways that you will feel good about yourself for spending so little yet you acquired treasure in return. One thing that buying pricey new books cannot give you, or at least for me. Not to mention that old books smell better. 😁

But, perhaps, one major factor that led me to prefer preloved books than buying new ones, is that I grew up reading incredible short stories for free. Where else? At school.

Reading heartwarming short stories at a very young age, inspired me to write my own too. "Perhaps, I can also make people feel emotion, particularly sadness, with the stories I write", I told myself during elementary days.

Sad stories make people realize more in life, or so I thought back then. Perhaps, because, most short stories featured in our reading books have sad endings and I was greatly influenced by them. Actually, I forgot their titles but I still know their sad endings and how it made me feel hurt and do better in life to avoid their endings.

Moving up to High School, oh my, the novels have much more depressing storylines 😅. From Ibong Adarna to Florante at Laura to Rizal's. Name it! How do you want to feel hurt? High School mandatory novels have different ways to do so. And then, there I was creating sad poems and short stories because they stir up something in the readers' heart. People make a move when they get hurt. Whatever it is I wanted to fuel the movement.

College came, I was more exposed to literature. The Iliad, Shakespeare's, and the Greek Myth were some of the storyline that amazed me (even until now). Well, because I was brought up to love sad stories anyway.

Yet still, I didn't spend a peso to read all of them.

And the first time I did. It was around P500 or P800 (I already forgot). It was because of the hype. And I thought I'm going to be reading a very good novel. I will not name the title and the author, but it was a famous filipino writer who conducts free script writing training/workshop. And I was dismayed. Well, maybe it was just me, because this writer is famous nationwide and he has existing fandom. I felt bad for the money I spent.

And then, I met stories of Bob Ong. Now this man (presumably) really moved me not just to write but to become a writer myself. And this is the first author that made me save money to buy his books. But I must admit, I have read most of his books by borrowing friends'.

Anyway, why do I tell all of this? (And I hope you're still reading this entry 😅) because I want to make a point that, we might not realize it, but every book and story we read plays a vital role into becoming or shaping who we are as time goes by. All of the books and stories we had read had left a mark on our soul. Some subtle, some are obvious, some you don't even realize but it's there, somewhere.

I love the touch of sunlight on my skin perhaps because of the stories of the Aetas I read on childhood who were bullied because of their skin color and made me realized that it's not nice to bully and having dark skin is not something to be ashamed of.

I chose and married the love of my life because I became wiser by reading tragic love stories and chose to learn from them. (But mostly because I am sure he is the one, so unless you're sure, don't.)

I am how I behave and think today because somehow, partly, it's because of Bob Ong's Macarthur. And perhaps, his writings had greatly influenced my own style in writing. Also he had me looking for other Filipino authors who have skills in writing stories that make people feel and move... and led me hoping to be one of them.

But this time, after reading all the books that left a mark on me in different ways, I don't want to write sad and depressing stories anymore. Rather, I want to make stories that aid people to write their own survival story or at least lead them into survival. Darkness is a scary place, I'd like to provide a torch. Just like how I found one when I needed it the most.

P. S. I still won't buy pricey new books, so joining this gives me a pass to enjoy them without spending a dime, presumably I got picked as one of the winners 😅

#booXthatleaveamarkMIBF2024 entry

(Two years later commentary: Olats 'tu. Pero nireread ko, ayos naman for posting dito sa blog site ko. Naguluhan siguro yung jury kung ano yung books that leave a mark. O malabo at puro kwento na ginawa ko.)

Cosmic Colors

For the longest time, I'm not quite sure what my favorite color is. 

So, I just answer "madami" when someone asks of it.

But now, that I heard for the first time the color "cosmic orange",

I think I can finally put to words my favorites. It's yellow, but no, it's not yellow. It's orange, but no, not orange, it's blue green, but no, not blue green, its army green, but no, not army green. It's cosmic. The cosmic versions of every color. The colors we see in the sky; the colors reflected by the oceans and rivers. The ones we can't fully describe that would retain or contain the ethreal beauty when spoken. The cosmic versions of every color, leaving us awestruck with how creatively majestic the Creator behind them.

I've heard cosmic orange for the first time, yet it is certain that it has always been one of my favorites.

Miracle and Pain Part II

"...but with this, am I wasting my miracle?"

We cannot let pain be the master of our life or us be the master of it. If your life is truly surrendered to Jesus, you got to give it up to Him too. I know it felt like you deserve that pain, but you are isolating that part of your life to the power of Jesus. You are disconnecting that part to Jesus. And you know it's wrong. 

So, we got to make the decision to let it go. Don't keep that pain. It's no longer yours the moment you have decided to have a personal relationship with Jesus as your personal Savior and Master of your life (Romans 3:23; Romans 6:23; John 3:16). It's up to Him to decide whether to heal that pain or keep it with you forever. Let him. If He wants that pain written in your heart, okay. If He wants you to completely be healed from it, okay. Just let Him have that decision. He has forgiven your past and perhaps right now, it's hard for you to forgive yourself, it's okay, but don't barricade that part of your life, allow Jesus to work on it.

It's not instantaneous, it is a process. And the first step is you deciding to give it up to God (Colossians 3:1-2 "If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on earth."). Put down all the barricade you have placed on that area. It's not yours to keep. It's okay to cry and cry and bleed everytime the thought of it comes to your mind but this time do it while allowing Jesus to work on it (Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy ladden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your spuls."). It will get better whether he decides to let that pain stay with you or be healed from it. Because He never wasted pain. I know, I, too, will get better handling this pain. I have decided to give this up. It's not for me to hold on it anymore and I am giving it up to Him. I am not the master of this pain nor pain being my master. It's not for me to decide to keep this pain in my life forever. If Jesus will heal this pain, then be it, if He decides to make it stay with me, then be it. But it's completely up to Him. I know whichever His decision is will make me better and falls accordingly to the future He has for me that wouldn't waste the Miracle He has done, is doing, will be doing in my life (Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.").

Miracle and Pain

 "Don't waste your miracle on your pain. You deserve better." 

As I am passively waiting for what could be God is telling me to meditate on this Holy Week while being busy with other stuff as a thriving human, I came across the line above. It was from a series entitled Manifest. 

The person being told with the line above is haunted by her past: her past sins, regrets, lost. And yes, she is in pain that cannot be cured by ugly crying every night. 

And as I asked myself if this was really what should I be meditating this Holy Week, I am slowly accepting the fact that I, too, is in pain. And some of these pain, I have chosen not to heal from. I am firmly decided to keep this pain forever because it's okay for it to be part of me, or perhaps, it is part of me already and that's okay. Or perhaps, I can't forgive myself or I simply don't want to let go. But now, I am questioning myself if it's right. Because if God wants me to meditate on it, what could He be telling me about? 

The Holy Week is just starting. I will get back with part II of this blog if there are relevant insights that I should be sharing with you regarding this topic, because I would like to be of help too despite my circumstances - somehow a light in the dark, but for now, I think I am the one needing a torch to lighten my thoughts with me not letting myself heal. Because technically, it's pretty obvious... almost everybody is telling that we should let ourselves heal and forgive ourselves, but perhaps you can forgive yourself and still be hurt everytime the thought of those certain past suddenly pop up, because you cannot numb the pain, or perhaps you don't want to numb the pain. But with that, am I wasting my miracle?

Grounding Inside the Dark Tunnel

In case you are going through dark times again, where everything is confusing and you seem to lose yourself, wondering why you should need to continue existing, where depression and anxiety are being dominant. I am here to tell you that you are not going through it alone. Most people go through that phase many times in their life and here I am to help you go through this darkness. Let me aid you, with the little light I have, to help you take steps toward the end of this dark tunnel.

I know you feel alone but believe me you're not. Continue trusting and keep the faith that God is with you. There will be times you won't feel His presence in this fight but He's there, just continue walking and soon you'll realize that He indeed never left you. In fact, He is carrying you. Remember the footsteps on the sand? That is a fact.

Aside from that, please accept that you need help. First, from God. Get to know Yeshua (Jesus). Have a relationship with Him. I am a living testimony that He saves. I wouldn't survive this darkness if I haven't have a relationship with Him. I have accepted Him as my personal Savior and believe me when I say He'll keep saving you. All it takes is a faith with a size of a mustard seed to see His glorious works in your life. I encourage you to read the Bible for the references of these things I am sharing with you, but first pray and ask God for guidance so you wouldn't misunderstood God's Word. 

Another important factor to help you get through these dark times, is having a support system. If you have a partner, you must help them understand what you're going through by telling them exactly what is going on with you. No holding back. All. And if you can't find words to explain because it feels it doesn't make sense or you are afraid of being judged or because it sounds crazy, express it though. And if he's/she's going to leave you because of that, let it be. And you'll know you're with the right person if he/she stays. You gotta trust your partner. That's a major factor to survive the next time you find yourself in dark places again. Support system, can also be your family or a close trusted friend. The technique is, there should be someone you completely trust without hesitation and God must come first on the list.

Another important thing is to bring back your consciousness to your first encounter in this dark place so you could know: (1) who put you there at the difficult situation and learn to let go of it, burn bridges if you must. Learn to prioritize your peace. (2) Who helped you survive, who helped you walk through this life, who kept you going. Keep them by all mean, it's not all the time life blesses you with genuine people who'll help you get through dark times. By doing this, you get to know and reclaim your fight and that the battle is not yours but God's. The reason why you are at the very moment where you are. Why you need to keep existing. Perhaps, your ikagai or your new ikagai, if you happen to have finished your previous ikagai. Create or just do something nice for your soul and wellbeing.

It will be tiring, believe me it will be. I myself don't want to continue anymore because it's tiring. I actually have prayed to God to let me be with Him. But there are parts of me that want to survive these dark times, to keep going, to take one step at a time because oo nga pala, the battle is not mine but His. And as I take steps, I am able to see more of God's signs and wonders and His marvelous works. It straightened my faith.

I hope we all get through these dark times and find ourselves trusting God even more than before that we cannot doubt Him anymore because we have experienced Him so much.

I'd love to keep seeing you at the end of the dark tunnels. Let's not lose the source of our light, or the light Himself -- Jesus. Okay?

Tips on How to Pass Civil Service Exam (CSE)

First and foremost, allow me to congratulate you for taking your first step to achieve your goal, whIch is basically acquiring tips and reviewers for your Civil Service Exam, otherwise you wont be here reading this blog. 

Alright, let's get going to why you are reading this. Below are the tips I personally learned upon my CSE journey:

1. Don't just review, create a timeline for your review - upon registration for CSE, you have around 3 months or less to prepare for the day itself. Even though the CSC is not releasing yet the exam coverage you have to start reviewing. I suggest you buy a book reviewer because it allows you to make a time frame for each category you have to relearn. Divide each section of the reviewer and mark when you should reach the last page. The CSE is so broad, so might as well start reviewing upon successful registration.

2. Leave the last 2 weeks before the date of exam as refresher of what you did learn for the last 3 months - there's a big chance you will forget what you have reviewed, so allot your last 2 weeks as refresher for what you have reviewed for the last 3 months. 

3. Take down notes - have a personal notebook where you take down notes and important details that you will read back during the last 2 weeks for refresher as mentioned in tip no. 2. Also, studies show that you are more likely to remember stuff when you write it down.

3. Still take time to do what you are passionate about even when reviewing - take it lightly and still do what you are fond about. Whether it is writing poetry, playing guitar, nature tripping, baking, or whatever creative stuff it is, still have some time to do it. I strongly believe that not stressing too much yourself as you review greatly helps. You can also allot only at least 2 hours a day for the review and do some other stuff. Enjoy as you review. Personally, I exclude Mondays as my "no review day", so I think having a break helps. As long as you are achieving your time frame as mentioned on tip no. 1.

4. Join online community - as for me, joining the page of Ma'am Taj Martin (CSE FB Community) really helps me. You will be amazed by the hokage tips you can get from the online community which are beneficial to your goal to pass. I personally suggest that you involve yourself with the online coaches, like Ma'am Taj Martin, Maam Leonalyn, and Team Lyqa, rather than enrolling to a review center. You are really going to need their hokage tips on how to solve/answer questions in easier ways. You may also ask knowledgeable persons if you want to fully understand certain topics, like your prof/teachers, like what I did.

5. Practice Mock Exams with Time Limit - buying book reviewer, like Brain Box, usually comes with a mock exam. You can also find these CSE mock exams online and free. Please do not skip this tip. This will help you improve manage your time because the actual exam is really time consuming. You have to learn how to answer faster. So practice mock exams with time limit. 

6. Pray before and after you perform your review - among all the tips here, this is the most effective. Pray to God and talk to Him with all your heart. Let Him handle this battle. 

7. Don't announce that you are going to take the exam - you may allow some of your closest loved ones or friends but never announce it to the public. Believe me, you will feel less pressured and that will contribute to a healthy psychological well-being.

8. Check all the necessary documents/things you need to bring before the exam day - please don't do this on the day itself.

9. Check the exam venue before the date of your exam if possible - or at least google map it to plan your route going there. 

10. Be early on the day of your CSE - don't ruin all the efforts you have made for the last 3 months by being late. Be there at least 1 hour before the time. 

There you go. Hope these help. I really wanted to share these insights because it's the only thing I can do to help strangers acquire a passing score. 80% is not an easy score to achieve and that shows on the figures below:

I only passed because of the grace of God. That's why tip no. 6 is very important. After the exam, I already accepted that I indeed failed the exam, there's no way I could reach that 80% passing rate, I told myself, and if ever I passed, it's not because I can but only because of God's grace. Perhaps some of the guess I shaded, blessedly, turned out to be the right answers. I don't know, but I am sure it's not because of myself alone. And I pray, you too, pass this CSE and if not, don't give-up and try again. This was my score the last time I took CSE, it was also my first time. It's okay to fail. In my case, I turned it as a stepping stone to do better next time:

This is what I got now, praise be to God:

By the way, allow me to share my husband's rating as first time taker because I'm so amazed of his rating almost surpassing mine without a decent review as he say so. I don't know if he's bluffing, but during the 3 months of my review, I never saw him pick up my reviewer, so unless you have a brain like him, forget all the tips I mentioned 😅. But not no. 6 and No. 10. Never. 

P.S. if you saw the numbering mistake here, you are likely to pass CSE 😅.

Marriage Advice No. 2

I wrote our first advice last year, and just now comes the second. And again, I reiterate, that we are no expert, we are just sharing insights from what we are learning as married couple to maybe somehow help other couples too.

In any romantic relationship, love is important, but so is, respect, forgiveness, trust, faithfulness, understanding, patience, and the list goes on. Your relationship will not survive a lifetime if it is only anchored on love and love alone. It needs to be anchored on the list I've mentioned (and what I've said the list goes on). But most importantly, first, your relationship needs to have a deeper and strong foundation, and that is God. And those aspects will naturally be born as you go on with your relationship. 

And sometimes, in order to give your lifetime partner the respect, faithfulness, understanding he deserves you need to let go of things that makes him feel otherwise. That includes cutting ties or attachment that he doesn't approve of. I have to admit that I don't understand this at first. We argue over this thinking he doesn't widen his mind and see from my perspective. I have seen him as someone who lacks faith in my love for him whenever this issue arises. I actually made steps to make him build the same attachment I have with this person. And I thought for awhile it worked. It was only when I saw and felt my man's pain brought by the attachment I have with this friend, I realized that I am not becoming of a wife he deserves. I am hurting him. And I am choosing to hurt him with having this attachment he doesn't approve of. And I don't like hurting him. It hurts me too. And so, I cut the ties with my long time friend.  

Don't get the idea that this post is about me cheating. No. I would never hurt him like that. The attachment I am talking about is a long time friendship with an opposite sex. Do I love him?Yes, but I only love him as a friend. That's for certain. There are only few things I am certain about, and that's one of it. We've known eachother since High School, and he is one of the few people who stayed all through my life's seasons. That's why I don't understand why I have to cut our ties. Our friendship is that deep already, deep but not in a romantic way. That is maybe why it's hard to let go. I thought it could exist side by side with our married life. But I have married my man whom I vow to keep on choosing everyday over someone. And if it hurts him, I don't want it. 

So to that friend, If you're reading this... This is the answer to why I suddenly stop communicating with you. You always told me your girl is not bothered with our relationship, but my man is. I told you once that before, and you being friend with him didn't work. I will still be your friend and will always be your Basyang but let me be just a friend from a distance, supporting you quietly. I can no longer be by your side with all the activities we share interest with,  am sure your girl will do that with you. Continue living happy. 

And to you, my Man, I love you. I respect you. I understand you. I will be faithful to you for the rest of my life. And just like my vow, I will always choose you. I would turn my back to whatever is hurting you. Which made me realize, that If I were in your position, I would definitely feel jealous too and might do something unpleasant with you and your girl friend. But you always turn your back to whatever hurts me. Indeed, I  blessed having you. Thank you for being so patient with me. I love you everyday, always.  

And that my dearest readers, is our marriage advice for this season. Look forward for more. 

When Mystery Scares

I had a weird dream when I was young. Perhaps I was around Grade 5 to early High School. I forgot when exactly I dreamt about it. 

This dream is one of the few things I remember vividly until now. And just recently, I think, it somehow made sense. 

In the dream, I was with a boy, and he was somehow helping me escape the villains following us. I don't remember his face. I didn't know what he looks like but I remember the feeling. The feeling he gave that I was secured and protected. That he won't let any harm befall me. And perhaps, I love him for that. 

When I woke up, I was left wondering what did I just dreamt and why did I dream that. Why does my subconscious brought me that dream. And look at me now, still remembering the details of that dream. 

But lately, I recognize the connection of that dream with my recent experienced on my reality. But how did my subconscious knew I will go through that situation many years from that moment?

The world is full of mystery. And there are things that should be left mysterious. I learned that you don't have to uncover all the mysteries in this life. Sometimes, you just have to have faith and keep holding on that faith and trust the Almighty who holds you in the palm of His hand. He is Omniscient, and may that kept you going despite being bombarded with mysteries that scares you. 

Remarkable Part: The Reason, The Mystery, The Return by Lacey Sturm

If you have heard about Flyleaf, then most probably you know who is Lacey Sturm. Yes, she was the vocalist of the band, now she uses her voice through writing about her testimonies and relationship with God. She continues to encourage more young people through her books and speaks.

She has written, as far as I know, 3 books. Yes, the ones mentioned at the title.

Since, my brother bought her 3 books, I hod the chance to read them and was inspired by her story and her passionate walk with God.

And here are rhe remarkable parts of the books (I am not going to mention which book the posted remarkable part is. It's up to you to find out, so I encourage you to read them too) :

1. 

2. 

3.

Sometimes, our God just wants to be our friend, not seeking praises or repentance, He just wants to be there to comfort and have a talk just like a best friend. 

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

Yes, I know. This one's very hard to apply.

17.

18.

19.

20.

"I had begun cold towards others. I doubted the ability to show the hope I had found to those who needed it. It was like the prodigal son. When he returned to his father after hitting bottom, he pleaded to him to be treated like one of his father's servant. That was his mentality. Just make me a servant. But his father would have none of that. He restored him to his status as a son and heir."

21.

22.

23.

24.

The Athlete and Her Coach

Last day, I met again my teacher back in grade school. Also, he happened to be my coach in track and field. I remember him. He didn't even recognize me.

I wanted to tell him that I was one of his players in track and field. I wanted to remind him that I was the one whom he trusted to run in can't-remember-meter-dash-run, whom everyone thought will get first place while they were all cheering loudly but ended up last because I slid myself on the mud due to exhaustion, which was part of the challenge, catching my breath. He was still cheering for me to stand up and continue to run but I gave up. I wanted  to remind him that I was the one whom he trusted in shot put and due to my clumsiness threw it while a referee was on the field. The referee got angry at me thinking he was lucky he hasn't been hit, while in my mind I thought he was not lucky. Maybe I know that my throw lacks strenght and will not reach his position. Nevertheless, I should have not thrown it, I wasn't paying attention. And he, my coach, got angry with my clumsiness and lectured me right there and then.

I wanted to remind him that I was that thin tall girl he trusted so much with track and field and failed him. And we'll just laugh about it. Because it is laughable now. But it wasn't during that time.

But I didn't bother reminding him. He's kinda busy talking to someone and he seems to know already that your failures today won't matter after several years. Failures don't define you, it can only redirect you.

Kamusta Passion Mo?

Minsan pagod na 'ko makibahagi patungkol sa topic na 'to. Pagod na kong magbigay ng opinyon at ipalaganap na sa buhay dapat ipinaglalaban mo ang passion mo.

Kasi hindi madali. Baka gumagawa tayo ng "make believe" sa mga tao lalo na sa kabataan tapos sa huli madidismaya lang sila.

Kasi kahit ako dumating na sa puntong tinalikuran ko na yung passion ko dahil tingin ko, wala naman pinapatunguhan. Kailangan ko tumanda. Nandyan ang mga obligasyon na dapat punan; responsibilidad na dapat tugunan. Hindi na kasi tayo bata na meron gagamot ng sugat kapag nadapa; merong sasalo sa t'wing mahuhulog. Hindi ka na bata na laging inaalalayan. Kailangan mo tumayo sa sarili mong paa at para mangyari 'yun may mga bagay kang dapat bitawan katulad ng paghabol mo sa itinuturing mong passion.

Pero alam mo kung anong nakakatawa, kasi kahit sinukuan mo na ang passion mo hindi ito titigil na ipaalala sa'yo kung ano siya sa'yo at kung gaano mo siya minahal o minamahal kasi kahit tinalikuran mo na ito hindi naman ibigsabihin nun na tumigil kang mahalin ito. Kahit anong mangyari karugtong mo na ito; nasa iyo ito. Na may dahilan kung bakit inilagay ng Diyos 'yang bagay na 'yan sa puso mo. Huwag ka sana mapagod manalangin para dito dahil maniwala ka, hindi ka pababayaan ng Diyos. At sana kung hindi ka na naniniwala sa passion mo, wag ka tumigil maniwala na may plano ang Diyos sa buhay mo.

Hindi ko alam kung tama pa rin bang sabihin sa panahon ngayon na gawin mo ang passion mo. Pero ang alam ko, kahit hindi 'to sabihin manunumbalik ito sa'yo at nasa iyong desisyon kung ipaglalaban mo ito ngayon. At kahit hindi mo ito ipaglaban, manunumbalik pa din ito at nasa iyo pa din ang desisyon kung papansinin mo. Paulit-ulit itong babalik at paulit-ulit kang magdedesisyon.

Mas tunay, mas masakit.

Be counted. Practice your rights.

Days before the Barangay and Sanggunian Kabataan election I have decided not to participate. Simply because I didn't know who to vote. I don't know the background and the personalities of those running candidates. Consider this my fault for not knowing them so well but I believed it's not my obligation to do so. And before you feel bad for my reasoning, I must say that I indeed, voted.

Hours before the election, I suddenly felt the urge to practice my right as a citizen of the Philippines. I mean, this thing I'm letting me pass by is actually an opportunity to practice my freedom and it's a privileged one should not ignore. So there was I, asking my parents who were the candidates because they know some of them. That's when I realized that not knowing the candidates was not a valid reason for me not to vote. There are ways how to know them: ask somebody who does.

Aside from that, you are giving yourself the right to voice out whatever observations you may notice with the elected Barangay Officials because you have participated. You have the right to rant just in case they do something stupid. Yes, I'm a bit of an activist (but not rebellious), please bear with me. :D

This post is freaking late to encourage people to participate and vote but I am still posting this for the next election. Please use your rights and freedom. Be counted. Practice your rights.