A Confession of A Lady Who's Hungry for Her Passion

I have a confession to make. And since I am posting this thing on this spot, maybe I am quite hoping that nobody from my office will read this. Hehe.

photo by: Ronald B Santiago

You see, if you are following my blogs, you'll notice that I'm fond of writing (whatever it is under the sun, and maybe we can include the moon). And I'm very much looking forward to make this craft a source of income. A passion shouldn't be confused with a hobby. You can make your passion a hobby, but you know it wont be enough. Your hunger for that passion will never be satisfied unless you fully pay attention on what you really desire. And that's me. always hungry to do what I really love to do.

So to make the long story short --- I'm planning to quit my job here in a broadcasting company, which I must also confess, made something out of me , a better version of me; and the first job that I have truly loved. But I know deep inside, I'm always haunted by my first true love -- WRITING.

I know sooner or later, I will bid goodbye to this place. And oh, it's not an easy thing to do. I love here, I love the people. I have friends that I can truly count on. And it hurts so bad to think that I will lose them sooner or later. That I will never get the chance to greet and see them everyday. But life's a journey with a purpose. And when I had already served my purpose in this company, eventually, I must go.

Photo by: Rolando Arana

A year? A few months? A few weeks? I don't know how long or how soon, but I know I will be leaving for good. But geez, every time I remember how it feels good to have a 2-week Christmas Vacation with pay not to mention Holy Week and the perks I get from this company, I ask myself if it's worth the risk to let this job slip away my hands? But then God answered, 'You will eventually leave.'

You see, this desire here, it does not only come from me, I believe that God has placed this in my heart because I have a purpose to attain. And with God by my side, I don't have to worry, because everything is in His hand, and He knows pretty well what He is doing. That's why it's important to have a personal relationship with Him, because truly a life without God is like an unsharpened pencil -- it has no point.

Time Travel (Things You Should Know About It)

“If time travel is possible, where are the tourists from the future?”
― Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time

Photo by: Ronald B Santiago
(https://www.facebook.com/santiago.roncy)

And I say, she's there. Sitting at the front door, or probably cleaning the mess I just made, and she is certainly waiting for me to notice her.

Time Travel (What You Should Know About It)

Long time ago, I discovered that time machines were long invented -- we call them pictures and photos. And then today, I discovered time travellers do exist -- we named them grandpas and grandmas. And they know pretty well about the past.

Talk to them while they're here and while they can. We should know that being a time traveller, makes them so lonely. And besides, time travellers won't be able to stay for too long. They might get bored and go somewhere we can no longer reach, or the Master of time, the Beginning and the End, may say their time is up. 

But just in case you don't know, we'll surely be one of them. So have a great journey worth sharing for and make the Master of time say 'well done'. ;)

I'm Sophisticated

According to this short quiz, this is the word that truly sums me up. I don't know if it's true, but since I posted it here, it means that I like the result. :) Well, true or not, I like the result. Hehe

Organized and headstrong.

Oh so, I am the kind of person who's ruled by her head? But I believe that every time I write, it is always, always from my heart. And maybe that's just it: listening carefully what my heart is trying to say but actually thinkingit over to execute it well on my writings. And maybe I think with my head above all else, because if not, I have been

married even before I write this reaction regarding this test result. ;)

Love for Words

Okay.. 

Well they seem very consistent and persistent.

I mean, these test results.

I Wonder...

I wonder who will be that man-- that someone who takes away every doubt and for once more, would make me believe in love.

That love can exist between me and him and not just an attraction that fades easily; that love isn't just for fairy tales and wishful thinking; that I can trust my heart with him; that forever exists not only in movies; that we can be more than a song or a poem made for lovers. That we exist in reality.

I surely know what kind of man he is, but I wonder if he exists and if he does, I wonder who he is.

Remarkable Part of Where She Went

This is why Kim brought a larger impact in me than the lead characters. :D And this part, well I guess, in some way will stay with me. ;)

"She dropped out of college last year. When thewar flared up in AfgAfghanistan, Kim decided, 'screw it, I want to be a photographer and the best education is in the field.' So she just took her cameras and off she went. She started selling all these shots to the AP and The New York Times. She cruises around in one of those burkas and hides all her photographic equipment underneath the robes and then whips them off to get her shot."

See.. Didn't she awake something within your heart? What a brave heart she has. I admire her for that. :D

So.. Where She Went

"But I'd do it again. I know that now. I'd make that promise a thousand times over and lose her a thousand times over to have heard her play last night or to see her in the morning sunlight. Or even without that. Just to know that she's somewhere out there. Alive."

(The only lines worth writing down, plus the brave heart of Kim. Mas naging remarkable pa si Kim sakin kesa sa kanilang dalawa. Hehe :3 Sorry. Just an opinion though.)

Meant to be..

This is flattering. I don't know if I should believe the awesome result. Hehe

But anyway, this inspires me to be a really good writer and hopefully soon. :)

Death

Death. Maybe it is that one thing we certainly don't want to talk about and to think about. We couldn't think about it happening to our parents or to any of our loved ones.

We live every day like we always have tomorrows or later or a minute or a mother, a father, a sibling, or that special friend. We subconsciously choose not to think about death. And maybe it's a good thing because by doing so, we live a normal life. A normal life not grateful enough for that another day you have; a normal life not kissing nor hugging this mother who just prepared your breakfast nor the father who loves to provide for you; a normal life where you always fail to show how much you love someone not because you're this tough kind of person who's strong enough not to show emotion, but because you became so complacent of their presence you have forgotten you don't own all the time in the world. You forgot that existence doesn't mean forever. And then one day you'll realize that no matter how tough you claim you are, you'll lose the strength to stand on your knees and regret all the times you wasted not showing enough love to someone who just faced death. And felt how wrong it was not being able to treasure each moment.

I have attended a lot of funerals but I haven't experienced losing someone so special and dear. Not yet. (And please God not yet and not soon.) But that doesn't mean I don't know how painful it is for them -- the impact that death brought them.

Right now, at this very moment, while writing this, I am actually in a funeral service. My aunt, my father's cousin died -- a sudden death.

She was just with her family that morning, maybe cooked something for her children before she left to deliver food to a regular customer. And just like any other day, it was just a normal day. But then as if something not normal happened, she got hit by a tricycle, and died in the hospital. A sudden death.

I was never really close with her, I must confess that I barely know her. But I almost cried a while ago, not because she died and that I will never see her again, but because I felt the pain of her youngest son when he started sobbing. I felt his pain. Of course, I have a mother too. We all have mothers. We all love someone.

But death is normal; it will happen. It will come. We will never know when, or maybe some will have that chance to know, but one thing is for sure: it is a part of life. It is part of a normal life.
The bible clearly states in eccelesiastes 3:1-9 that there is a time for everything (see picture). So before death comes to them or to you, grab that opportunity to show how much you love and appreciate those people so dear to you. And that's how you ought to live a normal life.

The Girl not from Venus

Thank you for telling me what I already know. Though I thought I'll be getting something different. But definitely I am a girl, just not from venus I guess.

You might also want to take up this test, it has a pretty precise result.

The guyish girl.

And the result was expected..

This is probably because I see them as buddies too.. The result is so precise!  :D But like what a famous song said, 'you are the only exception,' there will be someone out there I'd look in the eyes and realize that I love him more than a buddy. Maybe, yeah maybe. :)

A Revelation About The Woman I Love

Jason is my favorite acoustic singer and he is effin' great with what he does. His works will always touch the hearts of people.

When I first heard this song, of course, it made me smile and hope that one day someone's going to sing this to me; he would mean every word of the lyrics he sings and that would definitely melt my heart. But do you know that we can dedicate this song to our mothers? I just realized this while listening to this song a while ago. And I bet you'll agree. Here, listen to the song and find it out yourself. :)

The Woman I Love
(Jason Mraz)

Maybe I annoy you with my choices

Well, you annoy me sometimes too with your voice

But that ain't enough for me

To move out and move on

I'm just gonna love you like the woman I love

We don't have to hurry

You can take as long as you want

I'm holdin' steady

My heart's at home

With my hand behind you

I will catch you if you fall

Yeah I'm gonna love you like the woman I love

Sometimes the world can make you feel

You're not welcome anymore

And you beat yourself up

You let yourself gettin' mad

And in those times when you stop lovin'

That person I adore

You could relax

Because, babe, I got your back

Hey

No, I don't mean to change you

You've got it under control

You wake up each day different

Another reason for me to keep holdin' on

I'm not attached to any way you're showing up

I'm just gonna love you like the woman I love

Yeah I'm gonna love you

Yeah I'm gonna love you

You're the woman I love

And though I know my mama's not a blog reader, I'd still want to tell the world (or to those very few that read my blog), this song will always be dedicated to her. :D Because she's the woman I love. ;)

My Public Statement About Romantic Love

My Public Statement About Romantic Love
(as of April 30, 2014)

I’ve done this before; made my opinion about this stuff for public viewing. But I’m not that kind of person; someone who likes to talk about how magical love is or how hurtful it was with the last person involved in the so called love affair. I can’t even have a glimpse of myself telling all the concerns I have about falling in love but for some chosen people in my life, they got the chance to hear my story; for some annoying reason they made me tell my story. And it feel so awkward, well I’m not really sure if that’s the term but it really felt so uncomfortable telling them about myself being in-love, being in that situation of being in love. But sometimes I need to speak my mind, and since I can explain it well through writing, here it is.

I don’t know how others view me when it comes to love, but I think I’m that hopeless romantic type, which I hope not. Yeah, I know I am so complicated, please bear with me. And though it’s so hard to explain myself, I’ll try my best to make you readers understand these things I’m about to say.

First, let’s talk about my views about falling in love. For me, falling in love is one of the scariest things that could happen to me. I don’t want to fall for someone, not because I don’t want to be involved in a romantic relationship but just because of these two specific reasons:

One, because I’m afraid to love the wrong person. Yes, I believe that someone is out there whom God created so perfectly for me; one of the reasons why I hold back from falling in love. Because I need to be sure, and not until I’m sure, I cannot fall for someone. No matter how he makes my day, I can’t fall for him. And this is a game I think I’m learning so well that I’m gonna soon master the art of it.

Second, ok now I must admit, I’m afraid to get hurt. I know what at stakes when people fall in love. It’s not only the heart you’ll be risking, it’s all of your being; all of who you are. You lose your pride just for love; you learn to trust and build a world together with that person; you will believe in magic, because your transformation is a proof that magic exists in love. You will change; you will smile more and appreciate life even more. But then when the person you love bids goodbye, that’s when pain comes in the scene. And it’s not just a simple pain but excruciating pain. Pain that goes straight to your soul and it never goes away easily. It will need time; more time. And then you’ll find yourself not wanting to fall again because it hurts so much that you wouldn’t dare to be in love and be happy and then get hurt in the end. The pain overweighs the happiness love can give.

And maybe that’s me: closing my doors and blocking all possible ways that lead to the door of my heart. I don’t want to fall in love, not unless I’m sure he’s the right one that God created for me to fall for.

Second, let’s talk about my past with the person whom I thought was the right one. He’s tall; funny; good-looking; brainy but sometimes senseless. He has this incredible ability that when he smiles, he touches my heart. And when he looks straight to my eyes, he makes me see the beauty in me.
We started out as friends, until we call ourselves best friends. And I hate it that we used that word to label our relationship. So these I tell you guys, never use the term ‘best friend’ if you know for a fact that what’s going on between the two of you is something romantic, because it’s not right to destroy the real essence of the word ‘best friend’. I believe we are all matured enough to know the difference between best friends and lovers. Their difference is so obvious that we cannot mistaken one from another. And in our case, we use that term to avoid the commitment bestowing ahead us.

I don’t know why I let myself in that situation, all I know is that I love my best friend and he loves me too. We are lovers but we are just best friends. I’m not quite sure if you’re getting my point unless maybe you’ve been in the same scenario.

But to cut the long story short, we broke up. He gave up, he can no longer play the game we build up. He often gets hurt, but what he doesn’t know is that he hurts me a lot too. I’m just good at concealing. Of course I should conceal, because what we have is a game that whoever gets hurt loses. And I don’t want to lose, not just because I have my pride but mainly because I don’t want to lose him. Losing that game also means losing him. So I have to keep the pain behind me.

But he gave up. He suddenly stopped seeing me. No more ‘I love you’ from his number. Just no more him. I tried to fix our broken strings. I tried to save our friendship and at least be a real best friend for him, it worked out for quite some time, but I realized that I’m putting my heart in real danger. Because he’s moving on with me as just friend while I am still in love with him.  For consecutive nights, tears never left my eyes. And then I decided to let God heal me and let go of him. This time I gave him up to God. And then I learned to move on. Now here I am and I can say that I have truly moved on. Saying I have moved on is easy, but the process I went through is like a place I don’t want to ever return to. I don’t want to be in that place again.

Lastly, I want to say that I am ready to be in a relationship and I want to be married four years from now, but the problem is the first issue that I had discussed above: I don’t want to fall. I have guy friends and knowing them so much, to the point that they considered me as one of the boys, made me realize how chaotic it will be to have a relationship with guys. They are maybe not in the sense of committing adultery but they always like to see pretty girls (sorry guys, but I have to spill it out). And I hate them for being like that. But I still hope there are guys out there who look at pretty girls and think ‘They may be pretty, but my girl is a lot lovelier than them.’ and if ever they still exist I hope they find their way to the woman they will surely love and will love them dearly too.

And for the record: I am not yet in love with any guy I know after the last relationship I had. I don’t know if I will ever fall again. Maybe my heart becomes bigger after it has been broken. It becomes too big to love a man; it will always find additional occupants to fill the large space it has. Maybe God molded me to love more people and express it freely to anyone. Maybe. But only God knows what He has for me. And I know God has something great for me. I must admit that my hope is still high, that sooner I will find myself in love with a man I will be marrying after I turn 28. But right now my heart is too big to love someone romantically, it won’t fill all the spaces it has. It needs more people, more experiences in life’s journey. But still, only God makes me feel so complete, everything is just a bonus.

Right now, I’m satisfied surrounded with people I love and overwhelmed with the beauty of life. My heart wants to touch more and feel more of God’s wonders. J

Live a Life with Purpose

I see, I smell, I hear, I taste, and I feel; therefore I live.

Living a life does not only mean breathing air inside and out, it means serving your purpose, doing what your heart desires so much. But you must do it with God's company, without it you are surely bound to fail. Living a life outside the love of God, means not living at all.

Have a life with God; have a relationship with Him. Believe me, it's the most amazing thing that can happen to you. It's where direction and peace come. A life with Christ is a life with purpose. I cannot assure you that it will be easy, and probably more hardship may come your way, but it will be all worth it, and you will never ever fight alone; God will always be by Your side. There may come a time that you will feel you're alone and God's not around; you may also feel that He does not listen to your prayer but just because God is silent it doesn't mean He's not there and He's not doing anything. Just keep on and never stop trusting your life in His hands. He knows exactly what to do with that. :)

So don't just see, don't just smell, don't just hear, don't just taste, and don't just feel; LIVE. Live a life with purpose, live a life with Christ. :)

Para Kay Ingkong

This poem was made especially for my dearest friend Ingkong, but no, we don't love each other in a romantic way, and it will never be in that way. :) But I love him, and it's a different kind of love; love that is greater than a friend but not greater than the love I have for my future husband. :)

I made this during those times he felt bad and unwanted because his heart got broken, but I forgot to present this poem to him. I told him I made him a poem but I always forget to bring it with me whenever we meet. And now, he's been facing this kind of ache again; for the same reason and with the same person. And that made me remember this poem, but since we don't have time to see each other, I decided to post it online instead.

So here it is.. :)

Para Kay Ingkong

July 2, 2012

Hindi ko hahayaang ika'y mawala,
Sa aking buhay ay mananatili ka,
Hindi ka matutulad sakanya,
Ang istorya nati'y magiging iba.

Ingkong ika'y aking pahahalagahan,
Iingatan at pagkakatiwalaan
Ngunit ang istorya nati'y magiging iba
Hindi tayo mahuhulog sa isa't isa.

Maaring espesyal ka sa lahat ng kaibigan
Ngunit hindi tayo mag-iibigan
Maaring mahalin kita higit sa kaibigan
Ngunit mananatili tayong magkaibigan kailanman.

Sisiguraduhin kong hanggang wakas,
Mananatili akong Basyang mong wagas,
Hindi ka iiwan sa bawat bukas,
Pwera nalang kung ikaw ang lalayas.

Kaya Ingkong sa 'twing ika'y nalulungkot,
Tandaan mong may Basyang na nangungulangot
Papahiran ang 'yong luha, may kasamang kulangot.
Kaya kung ako sa'yo, hindi na ako malulungkot.



Ingkong, smile ka na! :)

Operation Self-Improvement

We were asked to write down the things we want to improve in every aspect of our being. I was kinda excited and really hoping that I would accomplish these goals in due time. :) I know God is my Potter, He knows how to mold me and how to make me a better Christian each day :)

PHYSICAL
1. Healthy living
       -avoid eating pork
       -eat more vegetables as possible
       -have a complete 7-8 hours of sleep
       -drink lots of water

MENTAL
1. Know more about film making
2. See things more often in their bright perspective

EMOTION
1. Learn to always smile (not everybody deserves a frowning face)
2. When angry, think first before spitting out your words.
3. Understand other people's emotion

SOCIAL
1. Have the ability to adapt or adjust easily to new people
2. Time management for friends. Meet-up with them.
3. Learn to explain yourself
4. Reply to text messages

:D

You Don't Mess with Johnny Depp. :)

This is how I reacted when someone posted against the acting skills of Johnny Depp, It's not because I like Johnny Depp so much but because I am simply telling the truth.

Haller, didn't the writer know how awesome-actor Johnny Depp is?! I mean, look at all his films; watch it and realize it for yourself. You don;t just put blame on someone, especially if he's not really the one to blame. That's all, bow.

Reaction from this post : https://my.entertainment.yahoo.com/news/worst-johnny-depp-roles-032700914.html

Remarkable Part of "The Road" by John Ehle

photo credit: www.goodreads.com

“You got a wife and family?” Esau asked and Weatherby nodded.

“I do too. But my wife probably gave up on me by now. I tried twice to escape (prison) and that doubles the time (of my detention). I counted up; I’d have to live, to be a hundred five years old to get out of here. That’s too long for a woman to wait. But I’d like to see her,” Esau said solemnly, “even if all I find out is who’s with her.”

---

Weatherby turned away and stopped by a convict who lay on the ground whimpering. He felt the man’s forehead and the man jerked his head away; he never had been touched by a white man before. “You have a fever,” Weatherby said.

“No, suh, I’m all right.”

Weatherby sent forth a blanket and covered up the convict. “How old are you? You fifty years old?”

“I lost count,” the sick man said, embarrassed by all the attention. “But I can remember being as young as that.”

“You from downcast?”

“Flatlands. You can’t fall off a cliff there. It’s so flat at home that the water wont flow.”

“How do you keep it fresh?”

“The catfish keep it moving.” He bobbed his head in pleasure, thinking about it. “I wish I was home.” He spat blood then squinted at Weatherby. “Are we going to have a Christmas here?”

“I’ve not planned much, except maybe an orange apiece.”

“Christmas is the only day I care about. When that little Jesus was born. I wish He’d come and get me out of here.”

---

“I’d marry ye, Nettie.”

“You like to be here, but you don’t love me,” she said. “A woman wont marry the man who offers the most, but the one who needs her most.” Her pretty voice spun out the meaning, and Red wasn’t sure he like it.

“Nettie, you’re complicated,” he said.

“Listen to that,” she said. “Is there a woman who’s not? We all have to be needed, even if we know it’s only for a little while.”

Para sa mga Badtrip

Sabi nila wag daw umpisahan ang linggo ng mga bagay na hindi mo ikakatuwa – in short, wag kang mabadtrip ‘twing Lunes.

Madaling sabihin pero mahirap gawin, lalo na kung hindi mo naman kontrolado ang mga bagay na nangyayari. Hindi naman pwedeng pumasok sa time space warp at alisin ang lahat ng mga bagay at mangyayri na ikakainis mo. Kung pwede lang, edi happy ang buhay. Pero hindi, unang-una walang nag-eexist na time space warp. Kung meron man, paki-post naman sa Facebook ko kung san makikita. Oo, interesado ako.

Lunes ngayon, at oo, badtrip ako.

Badtrip ako hindi dahil trapik, hindi din dahil sa mapanlait kong kapatid, badtrip ako dahil naubos na ang pasensya ko. Kung sinabi ni Angelica ang linyang “Ang pera natin hindi basta-basta nauubos, pero ang pasensya ko, kunting-konti nalang!”, eto naman ang linya ko, “Ipaglimos mo nalang ako ng pasenysa, kasi inubos mo na!”

Ayoko naman talaga mabadtrip, haler sino bang may gusto? Sino bang may gusto na maapektuhan ang buong araw ng pagkainis. Sino bang may gusto na mag-fake ng smile at tawa para lang hindi manmadamay ng ibang tao sa pagkainis. Pero sa ngayon, bukod sa pananalangin, yun lang ang paraan para makaiwas sa lalong paglala ng inis na nararamdaman ko.

At kapag alam mong ganun ang pinagdadaanan ng isang tao, hayaan mo lang siya. Hayaan mo siyang manamnam ang lasa ng tumataginting na pagka-badtrip. Subukan mo siyang patawanin, pero hayaan mo din siyang mapag-isa. Hindi naman siya habang buhay badtrip, ngingiti din yan at tatawa ng bukal sa loob, hindi lang ngayon.

At please, wag na wag niyo munang sasabihin na ‘wag magpapaapekto sa mga bagay na ikasisisra ng araw’. Maniwala ka, alam na niya yun, at kung kaya niya hindi magpaapekto, kanina niya pa yun ginawa. Pero dumarating naman talaga sa lahat ng tao yung puntong inis na inis ka talaga, kaya alam kong mauunawaan niyo siya. Kung hindi mo siya naiintindihan, halika dito at babadtripin kita, baka lang kasi hindi mo pa nararanasan.

photo credit: memegenerator.net

At para sa mga badtrip dyan: inhale, exhale, smile. Alam kong mahirap ang magpanggap pero mas mahirap ang buong araw na nakabusangot ang mukha at inaaway ang lahat ng tao sa paligid. Pwede namang mabadtrip na kalma lang. isipin mo nalang din na training yan sa ikabubuti ng pagkatao mo. At tanggapin nalang natin ang katotohanang walang totoong time space warp, ang meron tayo ay Diyos na magpapagaan ng mabigat na kalooban na nadarama natin ngayon. J