The Undecided Zone

Have you ever been to a place where you don’t want to be at all? A place where you don’t  want to ever return but you know for a fact that sooner or later, you’ll be facing that same place again whether you like it or not.

Decision making. This is one of the places I don’t want to find myself standing at. I am not talking about those simple decision makings here. I’m pertaining to those decisions that will greatly affect my life. Although, I admit that most of the time it took me quite long on deciding over simple matters. I guess it just so happen that it’s one of my major weaknesses – the ability to be decided. And let me just remind you that we all have weaknesses.

Actually, I have learned to embrace the reality that making decisions are part of life, even before I have considered myself matured.

Minute by minute, we make decisions. And with just a matter of second, we choose something over something. But when you are choosing over some things that will change your life, that’s the time it becomes tougher and harder; that’s the place where I don’t want to be.

photo credit: blog.lib.umn.edu

You may give me the hardest brain twister or math problem or Sudoku puzzle and I will be more than willing to solve them all, but please spare me the ‘decision making’ part. If only I can hire someone who knows me well enough to make decisions for me, I will. It’s a good thing that I can’t; otherwise my friends will be having a freaking broke friend.

I’m also thankful that God is always ready to help me whenever I’m stuck in that place, however, sometimes I wish I can literally hear His voice so that it will be easier for me to know and choose His will. Yes, I have a relationship with God. I do pray and read the Bible but sometimes it’s hard to really see what He wants me to choose. Sometimes it’s hard to know the right decision, especially when the choices seem good. And that puts fear in me, because I might get deceived and make a wrong choice.

Don’t get me wrong, I know and I always believe that God will make me see things which will lead me to the right choice but still I can’t deny the truth that I hate the process of choosing. Yet still, I’m not closing doors to learn more and master the art of it.

Remarkable Part of ‘Dibs, in search of self’ by Virginia Axline

“Do you know other grown-ups?”

“Of course I do. There is Hedda, our maid. And there is Jake, our gardener. And there is Millie who does our laundry. The tree outside my window grew close enough for me to reach out and touch it. But Papa told Jake to trim it. He said it rubbed against the house. But I told Jake the tree was my friend and that branch I needed. And Jake didn’t cut it off. And then Papa went out and said he wanted it off because it was too close to the house. Jake said, I liked the branch, because I could reach out my window and touch it. Then Papa said he didn’t want me hanging out the window and he would put a safety screen on the window. Then he told Jake to cut off the branch and be quick about it. Papa said I had plenty of other things to play with. He made Jake saw it off far away from the window but Jake saved me the tip end of the branch that I used to touch. And he gave it to me. He told me it was an old elm tree, probably two hundred years old, and in all that time, probably no one ever loved it as much as I did.”

photo credit: www.workhappynow.com 

“That was really very nice. I was in God’s house today for the very first and only time. Tell me, why do some people believe in God and some not believe?”

“I think everyone makes up his own mind for himself.”

"I wonder what God is like. Grandmother told me, God is our Father in heaven. I wouldn’t like God to be like (my) Papa. Because sometimes, I don’t think like Papa loves me. Grandmother says that Papa does love me. But if he does why don’t I know it? Grandmother loves me and I love her, and I know because I feel it deep inside of me. It’s hard to figure things like this out. It makes me feel lonesome not knowing God.”

Why do some people don’t believe that God exists?

I really want to understand where they were coming from. I want to know why they chose to believe their so called world’s reasoning, when in reality even the world declares how wonderfully it was created. Created. That simply means that someone is responsible for its existence.

I have known some of those unbelievers, and when I tried to ask them why they don’t believe in God, all they do is contradict the proofs and evidences of God’s existence. They only contradict, but they can’t prove their stand.

I am not looking for any arguments; I am just stating the fact based on my experience. I am not disrespecting the beliefs of others; I just want a clear answer from them.  I wonder why they fail to see how God loves them so much. That even they refuse to believe Him, God spare their lives and still giving them a chance to know Him. But time is running, and as long as it runs, everything will come to something like “too late.” Because we all know that our time here on Earth is never permanent and as time is running, we are nearing to our end.

Photo credit: Ronald Santiago

I am not asking you to believe me and everything I wrote here in this blog, what I am saying is that look around you. Look at the sky above, look at the waves of the sea, look at the thunder and the rain, and look at the mountains. No matter how science explains these things, don’t you wonder how they really begin existing? Go on, dig deeper. Research more. And believe me, it will only lead you to proving that someone started it all. Someone great and Someone powerful. Someone greater than any of us.

And before I end this blog, may you accept my apology for posting this topic that can cause war. I just think it’s right for someone to stand upon the truth. And when you experience something real, isn’t it natural to speak up and share how the feelings capture your whole being.

Papa didn't say 'Oh'

This story struck through my heart, I felt the pain of that little girl; not the pain on her finger but the pain in her heart. :l

From Our Daily Bread

(October 18, 2013)

Wriiten by: David Roper

I have a friend who was working in his home office one evening, trying to get some necessary paper work done. His little girl, who was about 4 years old at that time, was playing around his desk, puttering about, moving objects here and there, pulling out drawers, and making a good deal of noise.

photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/20385342

My friend endured the distraction with stoic patience until the child slammed a drawer on one of her fingers and screamed in pain. Reacting in exasperation he shouted, “That’s it!” as he escorted her out of the room and shut the door.

Later, her mother found her weeping in the bedroom and tried to comfort her, “Does your finger still hurt?” she asked. “No,” the little girl sniffled, “Then why are you crying?” her mother asked. “Cause,” she whimpered, “when I pinched my finge, Papa, didn’t say ‘Oh!’”

The Letter

(Ok, I can't believe I'm posting this on-line, but anyway, past is past and this might help someone out there. Sabi nga nila, "Experience is the best teacher." pero sabi ko naman, "Experience is a subject, and God is the teacher.")

Dear five-letter-name,

Una sa lahat, gusto kong malaman mo na nakokornihan ako sa ginagawa ko. Etong pagsulat sayo, sobrang ‘yucki-iww’. Iniisip ko pa nga lang na gagawin ko to, kinikilabutan na ko, ano pa kaya ngayon na ginagawa ko na.

Pangalawa, kahit labag to sa loob ko, ginawa ko, pero hindi para sayo. Para to sa sarili ko. Kaya wag ka masyadong ngumiti ng pagkalaki-laki dahil nakatanggap ka ng love letter galing sakin. Dyuskuporsantos, gumawa ako ng love letter?! Nakaka-iiwwww!! Pero tulad nga ng sabi ko, kelangan ko to gawin para sa sarili ko.

Pangatlo, gusto ko ibigay mo sana ang buong atensyon mo dahil ang mga susunod mong mababasa ay hindi mo na maaring itanong saakin sa muli nating pagkikita. Kung ako sayo, intindihin mo ng buong puso at namnamin mo dahil ito ang una at huling beses na sasabihin ko ang mga ito sayo. Ready ka na? Ako hindi pa.. Inhale, exhale.. Ok, basahin mo.

Ang totoo hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan ang mga gusto kong sabihin sayo, sa sobrang dami kasi, hindi ko na alam kung saan sisimulan. Siguro para mas madali nalang at para di ka na mahirapan magbasa, isusulat ko na ng daretyahan…

Mahal kita.

Pero hindi kita mahal ng higit sa Diyos, dahil wala akong mamahalin ng higit sa Kanya. Kaya wag ka masyadong ma-flatter dyan ngayong alam mo na.

Matagal na kitang mahal, ewan ko lang kung napansin mo. Napansin mo nga ba? Nung una, ideni-deny ko pa yun sa sarili ko, kaya sa harap mo at sa harap ng ibang tao, wala akong ibang nararamdaman sayo kundi pure friendship.

Pero sobrang nabigatan na ko, hanggang sa inamin ko na din sa sarili ko na in-love nga ako sayo. Kasabay nun, gabi-gabi akong umiiyak sa Diyos. Tinatanong ko Siya kung bakit ikaw. Sa dinami-dami ng lalaking kilala ko at sa dinami-dami ng nagparamdam sakin, bat sayo pa ko nahulog? E hindi ka  naman talaga seryosong nagparamdam sakin.

At ang kapal ng mukha mo! Alam mo kung bakit? Kasi ikaw ang kauna-unahang lalaking nagpaiyak sakin ng ganun… Ikaw ang nagpatunay sakin na nadudurog talaga ang puso… Ikaw ang first heart break ko… Ikaw ang nagparamdam sakin ng matinding selos… Ikaw rin ang dahilan kung ba’t ako na-inspire magfasting, masasabi kong you led me closer to God. Nagkaron kami ng matinding closeness ni God dahil sa heart ache na ipinadama mo sakin. At dahil din sayo kaya ngayon naniniwala na ako sa ‘I love you, goodbye.’

Ang galing ko no! Kasi hindi mababakas sakin na nasaktan mo pala ko. Dapat alam mo na, I’m a girl with a pride higher than my height. Kaya nga di ko magawang maamin ang lahat ng to. Pero hindi ko man maamin, siguro naiparamdam ko naman, yun nga lang kontrolado pa rin. Yung tipong iisipin mong ginagawa ko lang yung mga bagay na yun kasi boybestfriend kita.

Totoo namang ikaw talaga ang BoyBestFriend ko. Pero mahal kita. At kahit nakikita mo  kong kasama ng ibang lalaki o nababalitaan mong may kasama akong iba, ikaw pa rin ang mas nakahihigit sakanila. Ikaw pa rin ang pipiliin ko, kasi nga ikaw ang mahal ko. Dito ko rin napatunayan na kahit ganu ka-gwapo at kahit sa pinaka-sweet pa na paraan magtapat sakin ang isang lalaki, walang dating.. walang kilig.. kung hindi naman ikaw ang gagawa nito para sakin.

Pero hindi mo naman yun gagawin, at lalo lang ako masasaktan habang tumatagal. Kaya nga sinubukan kong iwasan ka, alam kong naramdaman mo yun at ngayon alam mo na ang dahilan nun. Muka kasing masyado mo na kong nasasaktan, kaya habang mahal ko pa ang sarili ko, nilayuan na kita. Pero hindi naman kita natiis, hindi ko rin kinaya na iwasan ka ng tuluyan.

Hindi ko alam kung may magbabago satin ngayong alam mo ng mahal kita. Pero kung may magbago, lumayo ka nalang ng tuluyan. Kasi kahit mahal kita, kaya ko pa rin mabuhay ng wala ka. At kung hindi na tayo mananatili sa ganitong closeness dahil sa pag-amin ko, mas mabuti pang maglayo na nga lang tayo. Kesa naman masaktan mo nanaman ako. Siguro malulungkot ako sa sa umpisa, pero alam kong alam mo na marunong ako maging masaya. Kaya magiging ayos lang ako. Wag mo kong intindihin. Isa pa, I have God. J

Yun lang.

Bahala na kung mag-uusap pa tayo ulit, pero hanggang sa muling pagkikita,

GirlBestfriend

Ang Hiwaga ng Paninisi

“I am confident, but i still have my moments, baby.. that's just me. I'm not a super – “ Iyan ang nakakairitang kanta na gamit kong ringtone sa alarm ng cellphone ko. Effective naman, napapabangon talaga ako kagad para lang patayin ang tunog. Kaya lang, babalik ulit ako sa pagkakahiga, at magugulantang nalang sa makikiatang oras sa muling pagmulat ng mata.

Maliligo, magbibihis, mag-aayos at hindi na magagawang kumain dahil late na. Magmamadali sa paglalakad, at may mga taong mababangga. Mag-aabang ng sasakyan, pero lahat ng jeep puno. Kung kelan ka nga naman nagmamadali, dun pa walang masakyan. Ang aga-aga pawisan na ako, dahil kinailangan ko pang pumila ng halos isang kilometrong layo para lang makasakay sa jeep.

Pagdating ng opis, late at ni-hindi magawang ngumiti. Haggard na mainit pa ang ulo. At may madadamay nanaman sa dreadful journey ng umaga ko. Maya-maya lang, may matatarayan ako.

Ganyan lagi ang nangyayari sakin nitong mga nakaraang araw. Syempre, badtrip yun! At oo, ang aga-aga, stress kaagad ako. Pero sino bang sisihin ko? Yung alarm clock? Kahit na ginawa naman niya ang parte niya?

Aminin niyo man o hindi, katulad ko, kapag merong kapalpakang nangyayari, hahanap at hahanap kayo ng isang bagay na masisisi maliban sa sarili niyo.

Sige isisi natin ang lahat sa maling sistema, sa gobyerno, sa buhol-buhol na trapik, sa kakaunting jeep, sa babaeng nakabangga mo sa daan, sa aso na tumatahol, sa chewing gum na dumikit sa pantalon mo, sa pusang itim na nakatingin sayo. Sige lang, isisi natin ang mga nangyayaring kapalpakan sa kaninoman at anuman. Pero sa huli, hindi naman natin maloloko ang sarili natin. Dahil sa likod ng kaibuturan ng ating pag-iisip alam natin na resulta lang ang mga ito ng maling desisyon natin. Pero dahil sa kagustuhan nating gumaan ang ating loob, pinapaniwala nating maging ang ating sarili na wala talaga tayong pagkakamali, dahil nga may maling sistema, may mali sa pamamalakad ng gobyerno, may trapik at kung ano-ano pa.

Libre lang naman ang manisi at hindi naman ito bawal. Pero naisip ko lang, hindi ba’t mas nakakagaan ng loob kung pag-iisipan natin ang puno’t dulo ng pangyayari; kung bakit may ganung resulta; kung paano maiiwasang mangyari ulit ang kapalpakang nangyari.

At sa maniwala kayo’t hindi, kahit gaano niyo ipaligoy-ligoy ang sisi, sa huli sarili mo lang ang puno’t dulo. Bakit hindi nalang natin tanggapin at gamitin iyon para lumago at matuto?

Oo, libre lang manisi. Pero kahit gaano ka manisi at kahit gaano pa karami ang iyong sinisisi, hindi ka uunlad dito.

To Fall In-Love Again

When you're getting old, you will start to realize that falling in-love is not the greatest thing in life. You start to see life as something big, far apart from your fantasies. Falling in-love becomes less attractive and excluded in your priorities.

You'll know that even without a partner, you enjoy what you have and make the most out of it; you gain courage to go for your passion and desires; you find joy exploring new things. You will learn that happiness does not depend on someone nor on something but on how you deal with every situation.

You will live not longing to fall in-love again. But when God sends the right person, only then and until then, you will look at someone again and find yourself wondering how wonderful it is to share your life with him/her. Because if God has someone for you, no matter how you close your doors on falling in-love, that person will leave you no choice but to fall in-love again.