My Public Statement About Romantic Love
(as of April 30, 2014)
I’ve done this before; made my
opinion about this stuff for public viewing. But I’m not that kind of person;
someone who likes to talk about how magical love is or how hurtful it was with the
last person involved in the so called love affair. I can’t even have a glimpse
of myself telling all the concerns I have about falling in love but for some
chosen people in my life, they got the chance to hear my story; for some
annoying reason they made me tell my story. And it feel so awkward, well I’m not
really sure if that’s the term but it really felt so uncomfortable telling them
about myself being in-love, being in that situation of being in love. But
sometimes I need to speak my mind, and since I can explain it well through
writing, here it is.
I don’t know how others view me
when it comes to love, but I think I’m that hopeless romantic type, which I
hope not. Yeah, I know I am so complicated, please bear with me. And though
it’s so hard to explain myself, I’ll try my best to make you readers understand
these things I’m about to say.
First, let’s talk about my views about falling in love. For me,
falling in love is one of the scariest things that could happen to me. I don’t
want to fall for someone, not because I don’t want to be involved in a romantic
relationship but just because of these two specific reasons:
One,
because I’m afraid to love the wrong person. Yes, I believe that someone is out
there whom God created so perfectly for me; one of the reasons why I hold back
from falling in love. Because I need to be sure, and not until I’m sure, I
cannot fall for someone. No matter how he makes my day, I can’t fall for him.
And this is a game I think I’m learning so well that I’m gonna soon master the
art of it.
Second,
ok now I must admit, I’m afraid to get hurt. I know what at stakes when people
fall in love. It’s not only the heart you’ll be risking, it’s all of your
being; all of who you are. You lose your pride just for love; you learn to
trust and build a world together with that person; you will believe in magic,
because your transformation is a proof that magic exists in love. You will
change; you will smile more and appreciate life even more. But then when the
person you love bids goodbye, that’s when pain comes in the scene. And it’s not
just a simple pain but excruciating pain. Pain that goes straight to your soul
and it never goes away easily. It will need time; more time. And then you’ll
find yourself not wanting to fall again because it hurts so much that you
wouldn’t dare to be in love and be happy and then get hurt in the end. The pain
overweighs the happiness love can give.
And
maybe that’s me: closing my doors and blocking all possible ways that lead to
the door of my heart. I don’t want to fall in love, not unless I’m sure he’s
the right one that God created for me to fall for.
Second, let’s talk about my past with the person whom I thought was
the right one. He’s tall; funny; good-looking; brainy but sometimes senseless.
He has this incredible ability that when he smiles, he touches my heart. And
when he looks straight to my eyes, he makes me see the beauty in me.
We started out as friends, until we call
ourselves best friends. And I hate it that we used that word to label our
relationship. So these I tell you guys, never use the term ‘best friend’ if you
know for a fact that what’s going on between the two of you is something
romantic, because it’s not right to destroy the real essence of the word ‘best
friend’. I believe we are all matured enough to know the difference between
best friends and lovers. Their difference is so obvious that we cannot mistaken
one from another. And in our case, we use that term to avoid the commitment
bestowing ahead us.
I don’t know why I let myself in
that situation, all I know is that I love my best friend and he loves me too.
We are lovers but we are just best friends. I’m not quite sure if you’re
getting my point unless maybe you’ve been in the same scenario.
But
to cut the long story short, we broke up. He gave up, he can no longer play the
game we build up. He often gets hurt, but what he doesn’t know is that he hurts
me a lot too. I’m just good at concealing. Of course I should conceal, because
what we have is a game that whoever gets hurt loses. And I don’t want to lose,
not just because I have my pride but mainly because I don’t want to lose him.
Losing that game also means losing him. So I have to keep the pain behind me.
But he gave up.
He suddenly stopped seeing me. No more ‘I love you’ from his number. Just no
more him. I tried to fix our broken strings. I tried to save our friendship and
at least be a real best friend for him, it worked out for quite some time, but
I realized that I’m putting my heart in real danger. Because he’s moving on
with me as just friend while I am still in love with him. For consecutive nights, tears never left my
eyes. And then I decided to let God heal me and let go of him. This time I gave
him up to God. And then I learned to move on. Now here I am and I can say that
I have truly moved on. Saying I have moved on is easy, but the process I went
through is like a place I don’t want to ever return to. I don’t want to be in
that place again.
Lastly, I want to say that I am ready to be in a relationship and I
want to be married four years from now, but the problem is the first issue that
I had discussed above: I don’t want to fall. I have guy friends and knowing
them so much, to the point that they considered me as one of the boys, made me
realize how chaotic it will be to have a relationship with guys. They are maybe
not in the sense of committing adultery but they always like to see pretty
girls (sorry guys, but I have to spill it out). And I hate them for being like
that. But I still hope there are guys out there who look at pretty girls and think
‘They may be pretty, but my girl is a lot lovelier than them.’ and if ever they
still exist I hope they find their way to the woman they will surely love and
will love them dearly too.
And for the record: I am not yet in love with any guy I know
after the last relationship I had. I don’t know if I will ever fall again.
Maybe my heart becomes bigger after it has been broken. It becomes too big to
love a man; it will always find additional occupants to fill the large space it
has. Maybe God molded me to love more people and express it freely to anyone.
Maybe. But only God knows what He has for me. And I know God has something
great for me. I must admit that my hope is still high, that sooner I will find
myself in love with a man I will be marrying after I turn 28. But right now my
heart is too big to love someone romantically, it won’t fill all the spaces it
has. It needs more people, more experiences in life’s journey. But still, only
God makes me feel so complete, everything is just a bonus.
Right now, I’m satisfied surrounded
with people I love and overwhelmed with the beauty of life. My heart wants to
touch more and feel more of God’s wonders. J
