Miracle and Pain

 "Don't waste your miracle on your pain. You deserve better." 

As I am passively waiting for what could be God is telling me to meditate on this Holy Week while being busy with other stuff as a thriving human, I came across the line above. It was from a series entitled Manifest. 

The person being told with the line above is haunted by her past: her past sins, regrets, lost. And yes, she is in pain that cannot be cured by ugly crying every night. 

And as I asked myself if this was really what should I be meditating this Holy Week, I am slowly accepting the fact that I, too, is in pain. And some of these pain, I have chosen not to heal from. I am firmly decided to keep this pain forever because it's okay for it to be part of me, or perhaps, it is part of me already and that's okay. Or perhaps, I can't forgive myself or I simply don't want to let go. But now, I am questioning myself if it's right. Because if God wants me to meditate on it, what could He be telling me about? 

The Holy Week is just starting. I will get back with part II of this blog if there are relevant insights that I should be sharing with you regarding this topic, because I would like to be of help too despite my circumstances - somehow a light in the dark, but for now, I think I am the one needing a torch to lighten my thoughts with me not letting myself heal. Because technically, it's pretty obvious... almost everybody is telling that we should let ourselves heal and forgive ourselves, but perhaps you can forgive yourself and still be hurt everytime the thought of those certain past suddenly pop up, because you cannot numb the pain, or perhaps you don't want to numb the pain. But with that, am I wasting my miracle?