My Hopes are High

 

" I hope that wherever you go next, you feel peace, you feel safe in a way that you never did here."

"I can love you and still let you go."

As I was browsing FB, I came across this post, these lines from the series 13 Reasons Why, and it reminded me of one person -- my Mama. 

It's been almost 5 months since she went in the arms of God. I know she's in the loving arms of God now and that she no longer feel pain and suffering brought by her illness and by certain circumstances in life. Still, the pain of losing her pains me. Not granting her healing, still hurts. Losing her still hurts. I don't know if it's just a phase I need to go through; that the mourning will pass as time goes by. As of now, it feels that this pain will always stay in my heart, and that's okay. I'm okay with that. I can move on from it and still feel the pain of losing her. It's part of me now and that's okay. Maybe I will be hurt everytime I remember that she could have lived her life with us happy and abundantly without illness and failure from her dreams that she maybe dreamt of ever since she was young. And I saw her failing every time she tries. But who I am to say that she has failed. Maybe she has succeeded more than that and it's just between her and God. 

The beautiful life I imagine with her that never happened in this timeline will always haunt me though I know she is perfectly happy and fine wherever she is now. 

My hopes are high that wherever she is right now, she feels peace, she feels safe and healthy, she finds true love the way she never did here. 

I love you, Mama. I can love you and still let you go.